It's Friday, Memorial Day weekend. Get the kids Sunday night for 24 hours so she can have a "me day", which I suspect actually means go out on a date. And that's ok with me. I'm thrilled to have an extra day with mah chitlins, and her dating doesn't bother me. Really. She's made some recent very positive decisions regarding her health and well-being that I support, and if she needs new or improved social circles to make those changes stick I sure as hell won't get in the way. It's a non-issue as long as she doesn't date a guy (or gal) who in any way harms my kids, is a complete douchebag or flip-flop wearing smelly hippie. Because the mother of my children needs to have standards.
But it's Friday, Memorial Day weekend. The first major holiday, the weather is supposed to be sublime and I'm off work! YES! Yes. yes...and while everybody else goes to/on picnics/hikes/outings/parties/BBQs/drive-ins/double dates/bike rides/killing sprees I have nothing planned. No social calendar, precious few friends around PDX and none particularly close these days. I'm feeling horribly isolated and distant today. Well, tonight. Not truly alone, no, but lonely. I long for a spark, some interesting anything to come along. Would I like to be dating? Maybe. Yes. I can't decide. I do enjoy the space I have and I can't even innocently semi-flirt online with an old aquaintance without feeling kind of creepy and broken and wanting to print an apologetic retraction. It's really stupid. I wonder if I'm in too tenuous a place. Bruised ego. Regrettable haircut. Lost weight returned. Bad trifecta.
The worst part is that I don't know if any of these wonderings and assumptions are true or if it's self-fulfilling prophecy - there's no way to test the waters because I have no way to meet people and have no idea how to go about it. Online dating is off because I'm just not sure if I SHOULD be dating. I don't want to put out a false front. In my head every potential move smacks of desperation.
Ugh. I'm a mess tonight. My thinking is wrong, I know this. Better tomorrow, that's the way these things go.
In other news I started doing yoga at home. Found a great online video workout. It's hard right now, but I like it. Reminds me a lot of my old dance classes in college (especially modern) where we didn't dance so much as spend the whole class relaxing, breathing, stretching. I also wrenched the shit out of my back on day #2, I think going into cobra pose. Spectacular effort, yogi.
Happy Friday, Memorial Day weekend.
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