and here's the pitch

This is juvenile. Petty. Ridiculous. Beneath me.

And still, when I get a call from her to coordinate a pick up time for this evening, and I hear that they're at a baseball game, it bothers me. She's not a sports fan, especially not baseball, whereas I am The Only Sports Fan I Know in Portland™ and an avid fan of the game. It's one of the sure-fire Dad-kids bonding activities. And somehow I feel that for her to take them to a game is encroaching upon my territory.

Don't misunderstand - moms can take kids to sporting events. It's not about sex or gender roles, it's about interest, and she doesn't have any. It's never been part of her relationship with with the kids, but it is most certainly part of mine. I've been sitting here, alone all weekend having a spectacularly bad time and she's out engaging in just the kind of thing I'd love to be doing with them. It stings. It feels like a slap in the face, and just the kind of thing she knows would bother me. It's made worse by the fact that I had to take her to the last ticketed activity we went to so she would feel included, even had ask an old friend to get me an extra comp for my future-ex, who then didn't even show up on time for the extra-special added bonus the old friend arranged. It was bloody awkward.

I think the other part of this is that I've been planning to take them back to Chicago in late July. Going to a friend's wedding (my daughter's godfather, actually), seeing all my family that the kids really don't know. We haven't been back since 2004. They have a ton of aunts, uncles, cousins there. It's been hard to plan financially, and my parents are helping out. The kids were getting excited about it. A plane trip, family - cool! And then last week she booked a trip to fucking Florida - for the week before I take them to Chicago. Chicago's a great town, but it's hard to compete with the beach. They'll be exhausted from the red eye flights she booked, get one day off in Portland and then back on a plane for another cross country journey. Thanks, hon, for undermining my efforts. Much obliged. 

I'm sorry. I know this post takes the blog down a couple levels, maybe a lot of levels, on the sympathy meter. I needed to put it out there to help myself understand what was bugging me. Go about your business, don't mind me.

odd/end

It's Friday, Memorial Day weekend. Get the kids Sunday night for 24 hours so she can have a "me day", which I suspect actually means go out on a date. And that's ok with me. I'm thrilled to have an extra day with mah chitlins, and her dating doesn't bother me. Really. She's made some recent very positive decisions regarding her health and well-being that I support, and if she needs new or improved social circles to make those changes stick I sure as hell won't get in the way. It's a non-issue as long as she doesn't date a guy (or gal) who in any way harms my kids, is a complete douchebag or flip-flop wearing smelly hippie. Because the mother of my children needs to have standards.

But it's Friday, Memorial Day weekend. The first major holiday, the weather is supposed to be sublime and I'm off work! YES! Yes. yes...and while everybody else goes to/on picnics/hikes/outings/parties/BBQs/drive-ins/double dates/bike rides/killing sprees I have nothing planned. No social calendar, precious few friends around PDX and none particularly close these days. I'm feeling horribly isolated and distant today. Well, tonight. Not truly alone, no, but lonely. I long for a spark, some interesting anything to come along. Would I like to be dating? Maybe. Yes. I can't decide. I do enjoy the space I have and I can't even innocently semi-flirt online with an old aquaintance without feeling kind of creepy and broken and wanting to print an apologetic retraction. It's really stupid. I wonder if I'm in too tenuous a place. Bruised ego. Regrettable haircut. Lost weight returned. Bad trifecta.

The worst part is that I don't know if any of these wonderings and assumptions are true or if it's self-fulfilling prophecy - there's no way to test the waters because I have no way to meet people and have no idea how to go about it. Online dating is off because I'm just not sure if I SHOULD be dating. I don't want to put out a false front. In my head every potential move smacks of desperation.

Ugh. I'm a mess tonight. My thinking is wrong, I know this. Better tomorrow, that's the way these things go.

In other news I started doing yoga at home. Found a great online video workout. It's hard right now, but I like it. Reminds me a lot of my old dance classes in college (especially modern) where we didn't dance so much as spend the whole class relaxing, breathing, stretching. I also wrenched the shit out of my back on day #2, I think going into cobra pose. Spectacular effort, yogi.

Happy Friday, Memorial Day weekend.

Advice on the perils of modern love.

If you have the great opportunity and wonderful fortune to stumble upon your soon-ex's online dating profile, don't linger over it, even for the dull, faint and pathetic pleasure of seeing that they are lying to the world about their age and you - YOU ALONE! - know the truth. Because there's nothing good that can come of it.

Also, try to avoid reading facebook news items and posts from mutual friends, because if the ex already posted a comment a follow-up by you will just cause awkwardness. This is particularly true regarding birthday wishes to one of your closest friends if the ex happens to leave a perky greeting from themselves AND your children but leaves your name off the list. What are you supposed to do? Chime in with a separate greeting? That just draws attention away from the birthday and onto the break up. Or perhaps you could tag a comment on saying something like, "Oh hi! I think you forgot me in that list of names, and that's weird since you wouldn't even know the person in question who is having a birthday except that I, your ex, went to college with said birthday person."

No.

You cannot win.