Heart of Darkness.

I'm trying to get up the courage to start online dating. Sounds kind of sad, "courage", but the truth is I'm not looking forward to awkward conversation with a stranger when there's the spectre of potential love hanging over anything (if I'm even lucky enough to get to that stage). It's just so blatant: I AM TRYING TO DECIDE IF YOU ARE A WORTHY HUMAN BEING. I really have no idea what I'm doing in the dating realm. It's completely foreign. Never had to do it.

As a prelude to that - and especially to satisfy my dark humor - I posted the following ad on craigslist. It nicely summarizes my dating deficits.

Well hello there beautiful and sexy ladyfriends.

Let me ask you an important question.

May I?

Why thank you.

Do you like the finer things in life? Yeah!

Do you want to fall in love? Well sure, we ALL do!

Have you ever thought to yourself, "magic diary, where is that wonderful man of mine?"

Are you a single and/or married-but-the-hubby-is-doin'-time-for-a-non-violent-crime-and-isn't-the-revenge-type-and-besides-we-have-an-open-marriage woman?

Well...if you fit this description boy-howdy do I have an offer for you, women of the greater Portland metropolitan area who may or may not spend their time talking to magic diaries!

I am a divorced gentleman in my mid-to-late-30s.
I have two children under the age of 10 with me part-time who I am unwilling to sell - no, not even to please the right woman.
I am not completely bald, but I am in the neighborhood.
I wear glasses and need a new set of frames.
I am mildly overweight, out of shape really.
I recently removed regrettable facial hair and now resemble a grown-up Charlie Brown.
My sense of humor is dry, probably too dry.
I'm told I snore.
I will have student loans until I reach Social Security age.
I watch TV via rabbit ears.
I listen to OPB but don't become a member.
I no longer live in a respectable part of Portland - I'm a reluctant but accepting Vancouver...ian. -ite. -er. -ist?
I drive a spectacular and sparkling vehicle made in the 1990s. Even though it is a fancy, sleek and thoroughly         modern mode of transportation do not be fooled: it cannot fly!
I earn a living discussing bowel habits.

I have a heart of gold.

In short, ladies: I'M YOUR DREAM DATE.

Pinch yourself (in a spot where the mark won't invite questions from your coworkers or law enforcement): I'm all kinds of real. And yet I'm so, so much more.

Looking for love!

Send pictures! Perhaps mine isn't real...or is it? *wink!*

To Dream The Impossible Dream

And much to my stunned surprise I GOT REPLIES.

Most of them were fake. Let's review, shall we?

1. 
These two seemed pretty real, sent with natural looking pictures of attractive women. Too bad they came from two different "women" FROM THE SAME EMAIL ADDRESS. "They" were also called out by name elsewhere on CL for being fakes. The intention is unknown. Break hearts? Lure men to the woods, kill them, eat their flesh? It's all very unclear.

"Hello Just surfing cl, bored, amused at some of the ad's, thought i'd send a message and see if i get a reply. 38, slim, extremely shy and quiet untill you get to know me. I really don't know what I'm doing on here but here I am. I teach kindergarden and am not that experienced in the whole dating scene, I've been divorced for three years now. I'm very much a geek and a book worm I guess. I grew up in Portland, I have been in this area my whole life except when I went to University.

I had an ad up briefly but the spam was horrible. Anyway, not looking for anything specific, just friends and drinks and see where it goes."

Really? You grew up in Portland and you went "to University"? Is that Portland, England? How about your alter ego from the same account?

"Hey I was looking through the ad's on cl and came across yours.

I'm 37, a RN by profession. I just recently moved to Portland, OR, originally from Calgary, Canada...

I'm fit, attractive. I'm also fun to be with so I'm told, and have a good sense of humor.

I'd like to find someone down to earth like myself, someone who doesn't take themself to seriously, I don't. I'm not just a good time girl, I'd like to see where it goes if we meet.

I'm not hung up on what a guy has or looks like alone. Being shallow is just not me, I like a connection with a person, I'm not superficial in the least. I have a good career so I am stable and am happy with whatever it is that you do if you are happy with it.

Anyway, get back to me if interested, sorry to be so brief."

Me too. Me too. You had it all. Working in my field, down to earth, hot, Canadian. Such disappointment, or as your Quebec countrymen might say, telle déception.

2.

Subject line: "seeking dominate?" 

Yes, ma'am, I am seeking dominate. Thanking you for asking such of the I.

3. 

Hello,

Am Susan Jean, And am new here on Craigslist and am 30 years of age single never married before still looking for the true love of my life that we can start a new life together, I went through your profile and i can found it interesting, I ll be glad in knowing you better, you could also go through my profile, if you find me interesting as well that?s good, cos i don't really mind about the age, I need someone to share my life with, if you interested you could add me on yahoo chat

I will be waiting to chat with you.

Would love to get a reply from you!

Catholic. Susan"

Hello,
Am me And I also do not mind about the run on sentences cos you and I are interesting together and we can share the life together. You are glad in knowing that I will be waiting to give you my social security number and my mother's maiden name.
Non-denominational. El Producto.

4. 

"did you find a girl yet?

Emily"

No, Emily, I have not. Are you offering? Also, are you real? Because this is the same message sent to me by the gal seeking dominate, so if it's ok with you I'm going to forget this little tete-a-tete ever happened because I'm fairly certain you're a dude in Burma.

5. 

"Hi, I just checked your post over CL and looks like you seriously posted ad there, not like many fake ones ;)

Seriously, I've been scammed too many times on craigslist by fake ads. I will not tell false, but really I am contacting you with a little fear, don't mind plz. Btw, about myself I am a girl of 22 living in portland , full of fun and really looking for nsa relationships, nothing serious of any kind but wanna hide myself.

I have a account in adult facebook too. Its really great site with full features of FB but the main great difference is that we can go dirty there :D I have uploaded few of my pictures there with a little glance of some private parts too. ;) I think the site is: www(.)nsa-FB(.)com

oh and yes I signed up with this email itself, you can search for me by it. Send me add request, I will accept soon. And let's contact there.

Hoping to get your friendship request soon!"

Far be it from me to crush your hope, love. But I can't sign up for your porn site now, I'm too busy shaking my head sadly from "looks like you seriously posted ad there, not like many fake ones".

6. 

"Hi honey

just ran across your personal.

Gotta be quick as i am at work.

i would like to find out more about you, email me on my own email ...

f.unti.m.ek.i.r.st.y@redacted.com

If I like what i hear then i'll send you some of my great images.

bye-bye"

wo.w!tha.t.s.oun.ds.r.ea.llyaw.som.ean.dso.rea.l!

7. 
The final masterpiece speaks for itself.

"Hiya, I have seen your craigslist ad. My name is Johnathan and I am wondering if you wanted to having sex with my wife. I'll give you a quick story with the situation. I was had an accident about a year ago while working so I am unable to have satisfying sex. I had an intimate relationship with her... but cannot anymore. She has needs and desires I just can't do anymore. Don't get me wrong, we still love each other, but I want her to be content.

She is DD free, 25 and extremely intimate so you can see what my issue is. Hopefully you can help us. We're looking for someone who can come to our place (or she can come to yours) and be intimate with her on a regular basis, no strings attached. I won't be around so it won't be weird heh. I have attached a picture of us. We are real... and we are serious about this, we saw your ad in the Portland, OR page, and we live near you.

I'll explain more but I'm at my job right now. Please ONLY if you are interested, mail me back with a simple yes. Again, only if you are interested. Thanks."

It came with a picture. Distant. Blurry. Outdoors. Dude in a wheelchair, blonde standing behind him. My used-to-work-with-spine-injury-patients sense is tingling, and it's tingling fake.

But then...holy crap. TWO REAL PEOPLE REPLIED. Or perhaps better to say that one real person replied, one person who at least seems real and read the thing replied.

1.

"I like your sense of humor. Hope you find what it is your looking for"

Came with a picture of what the kids these days are calling a BBW. Odd angle, in a black bra. June is busting out all over. She's not for me, but pleasant to get a true response.

2.

"Dreamy...well, hard to tell so far. Sarcastic? ...well yes..and that rocks. Funny, yes, yes you are. Great ad. :)"

I think she's just afraid to admit I'm dreamy. Her name was searchable on teh googlez, and she had a wide-open myspace page. No doubt that she's the same person. 32, in my town, education level beneath mine but with signs of intelligence despite that. Low income, well shit so am I if you factor in my debt burden. A little rough around the edges, but actually not unattractive. A couple pictures look pretty good. Wow, a big surprise.

oh...conservative, possibly religious.

Oh...Sober, in AA. Well, ok, so is my ex.

OH.  had two kids that she lost, it seems, 6 or 7 years ago. Huh?

OH! "Okay, so Friday afternoon i had some surgery done. i got some teeth yanked out of my head, seven to be exact. Yea, i know what you're thinking. Holy cow, that's a lot of teeth! Yes, i know, and i'm feeling it, believe me. A mixture of genes, diet coke and a bad drug habit from the past did this to me."

Well, but at least she drinks diet coke, right?

OH!!! She has shitty taste in music, likes bullshit metalcore screamy crap.

And that, ladies, is a deal breaker.

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I need to just get my ass on match.com.