averted.

It's difficult to write about you when I suspected and then confirmed at the very last second via the magic of gmail search that I sent you the link to this mostly-unknown and publicly anonymous place long long ago.

Don't think you ever came by, but you know. I'm just sayin'. Could have come back to awkwardly bite me at some date in the near or distant future, and frankly I don't feel like jeopardizing what is now clear to remain solely a good and important friendship with musings regarding some small semblance of hope I harbored that maybe, someday, if the barometric pressure was stable and the wind blew through the Gorge at just the right temperature and speed and the universe saw fit to pair us up that we could indeed be paired. Or could at least make an attempt at pairing.

No, it was never a definite, and I certainly didn't enter this friendship with that in mind. It wasn't an active pursuit. I've been enjoying your companionship and conversation without needing more. And look, to be honest there were red flags when I thought about making this more. But there is a lot that is right. And a lot thatfelt right and a lot that felt possible. A dynamic that could have come together in a new way. I would have been willing to take a swing, see if it connects.

Instead, onward. You found a new thing, a surprising thing, a possibly transformational thing.

And is that a bad? No. Fuck no! Of course not! My thrill for you was not a lie. I said it and I meant it: you are due. Overdue.

Maybe this is about me feeling like I had a back-pocket option as I started over, a maybe out there that could have become a definitely if you changed your path and opened up to relationships again. A door that wasn't open to anyone but one I could envision opening someday, and I would have an advantage. Members-only special, opening one hour before the general public.

Meh. In the end, I don't think this is about you. This is about me, my piss-poor store/door metaphors and that small part of me that felt secure knowing you were still out there, single and not working to change that status. But now there's no net, no secret options. If I want to get my life started again I have to just get the fuck out there and do it. 

Not your issue. Mine. Maybe it's ok if you click on that link after all.