insomnia delirium

For one glorious week I'm living back in Portland, getting to actually play full-time working dad while the fe-w jaunts off to Europe on a business trip. It's great being with the kids daily, although I'm having trouble sleeping and my eyes itch in a way they didn't when I moved out of this house 5 months ago. Did I lose my cat dander tolerance? Some new cleaning product? Something in bloom here that doesn't extend its reach north of the Columbia River?

Spent some time with a friend over the weekend who is encouraging me to set up an online dating profile on thePortland Mercury. I haven't committed to that yet, mainly because...I don't know. It's too depressing. And another friend that has used that site did not have many good things to say about her experiences. But at friend #1's request I did start looking around. Mostly it's a crushing waste of time. There are a staggering number of hipsters who just wouldn't go for my type. But there are just enough intriguing women (well, 2) that I can't help but wonder if it would be worth the effort and potential public embarrassment. One is even my age.

But how can I sell myself? There's an awful lot of surface baggage to wade through before someone would buy into the concept of me. How's this for a intro line: "recently separated, father of two, Vancouver resident and bastard love child of Ethan Hawke and Charlie Brown wants to hear all about your bowel habits because that's what he does for a fucking LIVING"

Now I think if I can get somebody past those tremendous hurdles that I'm a reasonable fella. But how do you do that on a static web page?

Grumble. I may have too many self-doubts to pull this off. I'm afraid my last chance for romance... 

WOAH!!!! DANCE BREAK! 

Oh, I need you, by me,
Beside me, to guide me,
To hold me, to scold me,
cause when I'm bad
I'm so, so bad

So lets dance, the last dance
Lets dance, the last dance
Lets dance, this last dance tonight!

Yeah, anyway, I'm afraid that my only hope is going to be an inside job. It's going to have to be somebody that gets to know me first THEN decides I'm a reasonable fella. Only time can overcome the deadly trio of hair loss, recent marital destruction and gastroenterology. How I wish it wasn't true. The funny/sad thing is that I'M actually doing a pretty good job of overcoming these obstacles. Just wish I knew how to get others to come on and ride the train.

WOAH!!!! DANCE BREAK! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_Zi-YSW3aQ&feature=player_embedded

What I admit only to myself.

I wish I was on your radar.

Blunt.

I am not responsible for your alcoholism. Don't even begin to go there.

I feel the same stress of our break up, and no, I'm not comfortable being around you or in your house anymore either. But it's your biochemistry, psychology and genetics that puts you in the situation where you crave a drink. That's not my doing, and I fully reject any claims otherwise, especially when I have made it abundantly clear that I am in full support of your AA efforts and will do whatever I can to allow you to achieve sobriety.

Argh.

what price independence (day)

Well, I think the readership has dried up, and that's probably ok. That's what you get for moving to the quietest corner of the intarweb tubes.

So. Just you and me and the coyotes, son. The occasional tumbleweed. I think I saw a field mouse in the claws of a redtail.

But the solitude gives us a chance to talk about what we're doing about the soon and the now.

Coming up on the long 4th of July weekend. Get a bonus day off 7/3 that I didn't know about and didn't expect. This coming off a slow work week that found me at home early, often napping. Highly productive. But much like Memorial Day weekend the kids are off somewhere else. The luck of the alternating weekends has not favored me. I've been invited to join them on the 4th itself up at a Mt. Hood cabin but think I'll decline. It would be with a group of other folks, all people that we were social with as a couple. This includes, oddly, one of my ex's former lovers from the time of her 1st marriage's decline. He's been married (happily?) for many years now, but there has always been some speculation that he was not pleased about my arrival in the picture way back when.

So no, I'll skip it. Nobody needs that kind of nervous tension, the unease of marital breakdown, on America's birthday.

But what to do with myself? My social network here in Portland is so small and the few usual players are not immediately around. It appears I'll be solo all weekend. I have a bag full of fireworks and alas, nobody to share them with. I'm enjoying the time to myself, but I get a lot of it during the week, and despite my occasional social phobias I'm realizing that I need to have more human contact than I am getting now. I guess I'm lonely? Is it really that simple? I hesitate to say it because I think that term immediately smacks of desperation, and that's not the way I feel. I don't feel like I'm clinging to whoever I come in contact with. I just want some company. Quality company. The last couple times I've been out I've had that and it's been really wonderful and refreshing. Is it wrong to want more?

***REGRETTABLE AND POORLY-CONCEIVED SIMILE ALERT.
PLEASE SET HOMELAND SECURITY THREAT LEVEL TO ORANGE***

I, like America, have independence. And that's good. I'm doing more with it than I did the last time this came around in my early 20s. I'm making positive life changes, dumping my spiritual tea in my Boston Harbor, voting my psychological GWBushes out of office, freeing my emotional slaves.

Yes, I went there. Sorry. 

But America can't do it on its own, nor can I. I could use someone else in my life. A Canada. A Mexico. Perhaps in a pinch, a Honduras. A goddamned NATO would be just fine by me, too.
------------------------------------------
off-topic: here's what I'm listening to lately. It's a downright summer jam from an otherwise confusing and challenging art rock band. I'd spend my 4th of July seeing them @ Holocene but I missed the sale. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMPF6lpM0XM&feature=player_embedded