averted.

It's difficult to write about you when I suspected and then confirmed at the very last second via the magic of gmail search that I sent you the link to this mostly-unknown and publicly anonymous place long long ago.

Don't think you ever came by, but you know. I'm just sayin'. Could have come back to awkwardly bite me at some date in the near or distant future, and frankly I don't feel like jeopardizing what is now clear to remain solely a good and important friendship with musings regarding some small semblance of hope I harbored that maybe, someday, if the barometric pressure was stable and the wind blew through the Gorge at just the right temperature and speed and the universe saw fit to pair us up that we could indeed be paired. Or could at least make an attempt at pairing.

No, it was never a definite, and I certainly didn't enter this friendship with that in mind. It wasn't an active pursuit. I've been enjoying your companionship and conversation without needing more. And look, to be honest there were red flags when I thought about making this more. But there is a lot that is right. And a lot thatfelt right and a lot that felt possible. A dynamic that could have come together in a new way. I would have been willing to take a swing, see if it connects.

Instead, onward. You found a new thing, a surprising thing, a possibly transformational thing.

And is that a bad? No. Fuck no! Of course not! My thrill for you was not a lie. I said it and I meant it: you are due. Overdue.

Maybe this is about me feeling like I had a back-pocket option as I started over, a maybe out there that could have become a definitely if you changed your path and opened up to relationships again. A door that wasn't open to anyone but one I could envision opening someday, and I would have an advantage. Members-only special, opening one hour before the general public.

Meh. In the end, I don't think this is about you. This is about me, my piss-poor store/door metaphors and that small part of me that felt secure knowing you were still out there, single and not working to change that status. But now there's no net, no secret options. If I want to get my life started again I have to just get the fuck out there and do it. 

Not your issue. Mine. Maybe it's ok if you click on that link after all.

And it was a Merry Christmas after all.

Yes, dear non-readers, the person who picked December 19, 2009 as the day I would get back in the game is the big winner. 

And it actually went extremely well. Perfect partner - an old theatre friend from college, danced on Broadway for a couple years, in town visiting, somebody I had been hot for forever, who actually flew out in part because she knew I was now divorced. I mean, wow! We had fun, lots of laughs, it was HOT, just all around tremendous.

Thank you baby Jesus!

It's amazing how one fun little night can reset things, change both the overall life outlook as well as my damaged confidence. I mean hell, it may be another 1000 days, but I really don't think so.

Mission Accomplished.

Happy Thursday, bitches! It's November! Mid-to-late November!

I don't really have much to say lately. I'm plugging along, just working, going home, working out (not as often as I should), getting into The Wire, enjoying the Trail Blazers, seeing the kids every couple days at the very least. All the divorce paperwork is done, the manditory "parenting after divorce" class taken, the paperwork refiled - TWICE - because the ex didn't bother to read her own lawyer's work.

Mistake one: they screwed up the child support. In my favor. Could have really helped the finances, but that's not how I roll. Not when the kids are involved. Mistake two: they put in a line to give the wife back her old name. Not a big deal to me. Except they moved to put her back to her LAST last name, which was the married name from go-round number 1. She didn't even catch it until I told her, a week after the papers were filed with the court.

"They wrote WHAT? And you knew? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I assumed you read the documents, and it's none of my business. It was your former professional name, so I figured you wanted to go back to it."

Oy.

So I should be divorced any time now. May even already be done. Yippee.

Line break. Random image placed to indicate a change in thought and/or tone.

Coolstory

So anyway, I won a couple tickets to a show at Doug Fir for Saturday night. Just sent in an email off their weekly newsletter, not even sure who the band is. And I decided - well shit. I'm free to be a grown up without kids until Sunday evening. And I don't have plans. And it was the end of the workday. And the girl from work, she of the shit-eat dilemma, was walking by, heading home. So I said goodnight to her, then called her into my office. And the conversation went something like this:

"Hey, do you have plans this wee..."
"Yes"

So. So much for that. It may have been the fastest rejection in the history of the world.

But for the first time in 15-20 years I made an attempt at asking somebody out. And despite the crushing rejection and the body shot to my already-damaged ego I feel ok about it, because I fucking TRIED. And for me that's a huge step. I'm still going to die alone with no human contact for the last 5 or 6 decades of my life, but at least I will have tried.

My new prediction

May still see the old friend this weekend, but really isn't looking like a hookup at all.

I post this only for those of you charting my sex life with charts and graphs and powerpoint presentations. No need to make any adjustments to your calculations.

and in the interim

Trying to decide to and/or get up the courage to ask out somebody...in the workplace.

She's a medical assistant in the neighboring department, 29. Very perky, petite, frankly kind of bug-eyed but cute in an unusual way. Seems younger than her age, which could be good or bad. Intellectually perhaps not a match (but I don't know that for sure). Very girly, but more Suicide Girl than Barbie.

But she's fun, has a great body and is always coming into my office to shoot the shit and joke around. I think she's single, or at least she hasn't taken the opportunity to declare any boyfriends (and I've tried to give her chances to talk about things like that).

This could of course cause a shit/eat conflict, which I'm leery of. Oh, and I haven't actually asked somebody out on an honest-to-god date since - and this is not hyperbole - 1989, when I took a girl from Lombard to see Rain Man. I don't count asking people to dances, nor do I count the women I wound up with through natural progression or whatever. I'm talking about "Would you like to do something with me Saturday night? Maybe dinner, a movie?"

The prospect terrifies me.

But this girl is cute, and fun. And I could use some of that.

Bloody hell

Attractive, interesting friend coming into town in a couple weeks. Possibly a hook up, maybe even probably.

Calendar check: it's a kid weekend.

supremely suitable sound.

As I head off

Heading out to have dinner at a friend's new place. Should be a nice time. Wine, giggles, maybe watch a movie.

But of course it will be a platonic evening. She's attractive, interesting, but boundaries were drawn long ago on this one.

I'm beginning to suspect that I'm going to have to really take a step out of my comfort zone if I ever hope to have a non-platonic relationship ever again.