Yet another reset.

I am a man of multiple semi-anonymous intarwebbb social networking/blogs. I have a (mostly dead) myspace to go with active twitter, facebook, tumblr.

But those are just for screwing around, and I need/want something a little more honest.

I had a blog in 2005 about my student experience that still exists somewhere out there. I spent an hour tonight on tEh googles looking for it to no avail. If you find it let me know.

I kept a fairly quiet but not private blog on vox, mostly hashing through a delightful divorce. Well, vox is dead and that mess had to go somewhere. So now it's here. I suppose if I get really ambitious I'll pull my dated myspace blog efforts over here as well. Dare to dream, dear reader. Dare to dream.

seismic.

Been a while. Who missed me?

am crickets 03 hpx sound bite  natural sound bites

Yeah.

It's been an interesting couple of months. I re-upped for another year in (my suburban community near a great city). The other (person who does my job) quit, and the company took their time replacing her. But that replacement has provided me with the courage? strength? peer pressure? to make some big lifestyle changes. She's super active, 29, vegetarian. No, this does not end in us dating or me giving up meat. HELL. NO. (to the second, anyway.). But she's been shadowing me for the last 6 weeks while she gets up to speed, so we're spending a lot of intensive time together. 

About a month ago I was feeling really shitty. I was eating another free hospital lunch and just felt bloated, salted, ill. CRAPPY. So the girl starts talking to me about doing a cleanse. My first reaction was: "STFU, hippie". But I listened and realized that perhaps it was the reset, the jumpstart I've been looking for. My 20th HS reunion is this September, and while I'd like to go I wasn't exactly feeling confident about it. I've been exercising a couple times per week but nothing that was making a difference. My diet was not matching the effort. She convinced me to read this:

Clean, by Dr. Alejandro Junger

The basic premise: our lifestyles expose us to toxins and we're not supporting our body's natural methods of getting rid of them. Simple enough, I guess. Some of it is too much for me: colonics, shots of olive oil, skin brushings, advocating blood tests to look for toxicity. The author is a noted cardiologist and the nutritional science is legit, but, um, no. 

For me the key aspect was a nutritional cleanse. There's a period of elimination first: no dairy, booze, red meat, bananas, oranges, grapes, strawberries, peanuts, tomatoes, corn, refined sugars, wheat/gluten, caffeine, white rice, soy, etc. It's a fairly major adjustment for a guy eating processed foods. But I did it, mostly thanks to the natural peer pressure of having my coworker watching me eat lunch every day. It's not actually a calorie restriction diet, nor is it low fat. You can eat: vegetables, most fruits, chicken, turkey, beans, agave syrup, fish, quinoa, brown rice, almonds, nut milks (tasty!), avocado, coconut, olive oil, spices, vinegars. There's nothing wrong with spicy chicken and black beans with a side salad using olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

The main part is then 3 weeks: liquid breakfast (juice, smoothie, blended soup), solid food lunch off the elimination diet, liquid dinner, lots of water, 12 hour fast overnight, a couple snacks during the day if needed. The book has a ton of smoothie recipes. I chose not to go super hard core and juice, but that was mostly because I didn't feel like buying a juicer.

I'm on the last day. I haven't been perfect. I ate one of my kid's leftover potstickers. I had a couple M&Ms the other night. I ate a single tortilla chip on Cinco de Mayo. Some of my smoothies have been pre-made from Trader Joe's and use banana puree (banana causes mucous production - or something). The first week I was drinking almond milk that had evaporated cane syrup, which as it turns out is just sugar. But I've been at least 95% good, which resulted in a huge habit shift. 

Back to regular food tomorrow, although I hope to continue a lot of the positive trends: the fasting, the liquid breakfast, trying to limit the processed foods and eat more things that I'm making, limiting salt. I've been able to fight off a lot of my carb cravings and REALLY want to keep that up. The results? Headaches are gone, energy level way up, sleeping better, less emotional stress, around 15 lbs. of weight loss. One of my crunchier friends told me "your energy is so much more positive". I haven't really been hungry, and in fact have learned that what we in the west perceive as hunger really isn't. It's habit.

Over the last 10 days I've also been doing Power 90, which was the first version of the As-Seen-On-TV P90X. It's not quite as crazy as P90X, but it's a hard workout and is 6 days/week. I can already feel changes.

Major lifestyle changes.

there are worse problems to have

I'm a pretty fortunate guy. I am friends with a large assortment of really interesting, smart, strong, funny women. They also tend to be attractive. Just the way it seems to work out.

The numbers should in theory work in my favor. Jesus, ONE of them should harbor SOME kind of feeling, right? Or at least some openness? (I am obviously excluding my old friend from last month, who lives so far away and with such an entrenched life that there's no chance of anything long-term happening). A million monkeys in a room all typing on million typewriters for a million years should eventually accidentally type out Hamlet, and similarly a million cool women sitting down chatting with a million [me] for a million years should eventually result in a match (and incidentally a much less revolting smell than what's coming out of that monkey room).

But as far as I know I'm thought of in purely fraternal ways by ALL of them.

Again, I'm lucky to be friends with so many cool women. I'm thankful for the friendship. I wouldn't change it, would never want my friends to feel weird around me. I dig that women feel like they can talk with me.

But motherfuck. It's a real downer sometimes to be that guy. The friend guy. And when I get out there and do more dating I won't even have that going for me. I think I hoped that something would spark that wasn't there before and save me the trouble of having to start from scratch with somebody new. I don't think that plays to my strengths.

Whatever those are.

Had my fill.

I realize that I'm still dealing with the acute confidence loss that comes with the death of a 13-year relationship, on top of the chronic confidence loss that comes with being, well, me.

But have I really fallen so far as to be upset when unfollowed on bloody twitter by somebody who I am also connected with on other social networking sites? What did I do? Am I that boring? Did I say something I shouldn't? What's the story? Why didn't they drop me elsewhere?

See, that's ridiculous thinking. I admire this person's art (and admittedly she's really cute), but do I really care? I've never actually MET them. I never WILL meet them. They don't live in my city. So who gives a fuck?

I need to get off the goddamn internet and start a more vigorous effort to forge some real relationships. This is pathetic. Self-deprecating nature and despite my history of confidence issues aside, this is not who I am. I am not that desperate to be liked. I am better than this.

Fuck this.

I've had enough.

Heart of Darkness.

I'm trying to get up the courage to start online dating. Sounds kind of sad, "courage", but the truth is I'm not looking forward to awkward conversation with a stranger when there's the spectre of potential love hanging over anything (if I'm even lucky enough to get to that stage). It's just so blatant: I AM TRYING TO DECIDE IF YOU ARE A WORTHY HUMAN BEING. I really have no idea what I'm doing in the dating realm. It's completely foreign. Never had to do it.

As a prelude to that - and especially to satisfy my dark humor - I posted the following ad on craigslist. It nicely summarizes my dating deficits.

Well hello there beautiful and sexy ladyfriends.

Let me ask you an important question.

May I?

Why thank you.

Do you like the finer things in life? Yeah!

Do you want to fall in love? Well sure, we ALL do!

Have you ever thought to yourself, "magic diary, where is that wonderful man of mine?"

Are you a single and/or married-but-the-hubby-is-doin'-time-for-a-non-violent-crime-and-isn't-the-revenge-type-and-besides-we-have-an-open-marriage woman?

Well...if you fit this description boy-howdy do I have an offer for you, women of the greater Portland metropolitan area who may or may not spend their time talking to magic diaries!

I am a divorced gentleman in my mid-to-late-30s.
I have two children under the age of 10 with me part-time who I am unwilling to sell - no, not even to please the right woman.
I am not completely bald, but I am in the neighborhood.
I wear glasses and need a new set of frames.
I am mildly overweight, out of shape really.
I recently removed regrettable facial hair and now resemble a grown-up Charlie Brown.
My sense of humor is dry, probably too dry.
I'm told I snore.
I will have student loans until I reach Social Security age.
I watch TV via rabbit ears.
I listen to OPB but don't become a member.
I no longer live in a respectable part of Portland - I'm a reluctant but accepting Vancouver...ian. -ite. -er. -ist?
I drive a spectacular and sparkling vehicle made in the 1990s. Even though it is a fancy, sleek and thoroughly         modern mode of transportation do not be fooled: it cannot fly!
I earn a living discussing bowel habits.

I have a heart of gold.

In short, ladies: I'M YOUR DREAM DATE.

Pinch yourself (in a spot where the mark won't invite questions from your coworkers or law enforcement): I'm all kinds of real. And yet I'm so, so much more.

Looking for love!

Send pictures! Perhaps mine isn't real...or is it? *wink!*

To Dream The Impossible Dream

And much to my stunned surprise I GOT REPLIES.

Most of them were fake. Let's review, shall we?

1. 
These two seemed pretty real, sent with natural looking pictures of attractive women. Too bad they came from two different "women" FROM THE SAME EMAIL ADDRESS. "They" were also called out by name elsewhere on CL for being fakes. The intention is unknown. Break hearts? Lure men to the woods, kill them, eat their flesh? It's all very unclear.

"Hello Just surfing cl, bored, amused at some of the ad's, thought i'd send a message and see if i get a reply. 38, slim, extremely shy and quiet untill you get to know me. I really don't know what I'm doing on here but here I am. I teach kindergarden and am not that experienced in the whole dating scene, I've been divorced for three years now. I'm very much a geek and a book worm I guess. I grew up in Portland, I have been in this area my whole life except when I went to University.

I had an ad up briefly but the spam was horrible. Anyway, not looking for anything specific, just friends and drinks and see where it goes."

Really? You grew up in Portland and you went "to University"? Is that Portland, England? How about your alter ego from the same account?

"Hey I was looking through the ad's on cl and came across yours.

I'm 37, a RN by profession. I just recently moved to Portland, OR, originally from Calgary, Canada...

I'm fit, attractive. I'm also fun to be with so I'm told, and have a good sense of humor.

I'd like to find someone down to earth like myself, someone who doesn't take themself to seriously, I don't. I'm not just a good time girl, I'd like to see where it goes if we meet.

I'm not hung up on what a guy has or looks like alone. Being shallow is just not me, I like a connection with a person, I'm not superficial in the least. I have a good career so I am stable and am happy with whatever it is that you do if you are happy with it.

Anyway, get back to me if interested, sorry to be so brief."

Me too. Me too. You had it all. Working in my field, down to earth, hot, Canadian. Such disappointment, or as your Quebec countrymen might say, telle déception.

2.

Subject line: "seeking dominate?" 

Yes, ma'am, I am seeking dominate. Thanking you for asking such of the I.

3. 

Hello,

Am Susan Jean, And am new here on Craigslist and am 30 years of age single never married before still looking for the true love of my life that we can start a new life together, I went through your profile and i can found it interesting, I ll be glad in knowing you better, you could also go through my profile, if you find me interesting as well that?s good, cos i don't really mind about the age, I need someone to share my life with, if you interested you could add me on yahoo chat

I will be waiting to chat with you.

Would love to get a reply from you!

Catholic. Susan"

Hello,
Am me And I also do not mind about the run on sentences cos you and I are interesting together and we can share the life together. You are glad in knowing that I will be waiting to give you my social security number and my mother's maiden name.
Non-denominational. El Producto.

4. 

"did you find a girl yet?

Emily"

No, Emily, I have not. Are you offering? Also, are you real? Because this is the same message sent to me by the gal seeking dominate, so if it's ok with you I'm going to forget this little tete-a-tete ever happened because I'm fairly certain you're a dude in Burma.

5. 

"Hi, I just checked your post over CL and looks like you seriously posted ad there, not like many fake ones ;)

Seriously, I've been scammed too many times on craigslist by fake ads. I will not tell false, but really I am contacting you with a little fear, don't mind plz. Btw, about myself I am a girl of 22 living in portland , full of fun and really looking for nsa relationships, nothing serious of any kind but wanna hide myself.

I have a account in adult facebook too. Its really great site with full features of FB but the main great difference is that we can go dirty there :D I have uploaded few of my pictures there with a little glance of some private parts too. ;) I think the site is: www(.)nsa-FB(.)com

oh and yes I signed up with this email itself, you can search for me by it. Send me add request, I will accept soon. And let's contact there.

Hoping to get your friendship request soon!"

Far be it from me to crush your hope, love. But I can't sign up for your porn site now, I'm too busy shaking my head sadly from "looks like you seriously posted ad there, not like many fake ones".

6. 

"Hi honey

just ran across your personal.

Gotta be quick as i am at work.

i would like to find out more about you, email me on my own email ...

f.unti.m.ek.i.r.st.y@redacted.com

If I like what i hear then i'll send you some of my great images.

bye-bye"

wo.w!tha.t.s.oun.ds.r.ea.llyaw.som.ean.dso.rea.l!

7. 
The final masterpiece speaks for itself.

"Hiya, I have seen your craigslist ad. My name is Johnathan and I am wondering if you wanted to having sex with my wife. I'll give you a quick story with the situation. I was had an accident about a year ago while working so I am unable to have satisfying sex. I had an intimate relationship with her... but cannot anymore. She has needs and desires I just can't do anymore. Don't get me wrong, we still love each other, but I want her to be content.

She is DD free, 25 and extremely intimate so you can see what my issue is. Hopefully you can help us. We're looking for someone who can come to our place (or she can come to yours) and be intimate with her on a regular basis, no strings attached. I won't be around so it won't be weird heh. I have attached a picture of us. We are real... and we are serious about this, we saw your ad in the Portland, OR page, and we live near you.

I'll explain more but I'm at my job right now. Please ONLY if you are interested, mail me back with a simple yes. Again, only if you are interested. Thanks."

It came with a picture. Distant. Blurry. Outdoors. Dude in a wheelchair, blonde standing behind him. My used-to-work-with-spine-injury-patients sense is tingling, and it's tingling fake.

But then...holy crap. TWO REAL PEOPLE REPLIED. Or perhaps better to say that one real person replied, one person who at least seems real and read the thing replied.

1.

"I like your sense of humor. Hope you find what it is your looking for"

Came with a picture of what the kids these days are calling a BBW. Odd angle, in a black bra. June is busting out all over. She's not for me, but pleasant to get a true response.

2.

"Dreamy...well, hard to tell so far. Sarcastic? ...well yes..and that rocks. Funny, yes, yes you are. Great ad. :)"

I think she's just afraid to admit I'm dreamy. Her name was searchable on teh googlez, and she had a wide-open myspace page. No doubt that she's the same person. 32, in my town, education level beneath mine but with signs of intelligence despite that. Low income, well shit so am I if you factor in my debt burden. A little rough around the edges, but actually not unattractive. A couple pictures look pretty good. Wow, a big surprise.

oh...conservative, possibly religious.

Oh...Sober, in AA. Well, ok, so is my ex.

OH.  had two kids that she lost, it seems, 6 or 7 years ago. Huh?

OH! "Okay, so Friday afternoon i had some surgery done. i got some teeth yanked out of my head, seven to be exact. Yea, i know what you're thinking. Holy cow, that's a lot of teeth! Yes, i know, and i'm feeling it, believe me. A mixture of genes, diet coke and a bad drug habit from the past did this to me."

Well, but at least she drinks diet coke, right?

OH!!! She has shitty taste in music, likes bullshit metalcore screamy crap.

And that, ladies, is a deal breaker.

---------------------

I need to just get my ass on match.com.

Hear that? I'm NOT the worst husband in the world!

Got this today from a high school friend. Holy fucking shit. People are terrible. The husband in this case is an honest-to-God war hero, fresh home from Afghanistan after being wounded by the Taliban while charging up a mountain as the leader of his special forces unit. Names obviously scrubbed and/or changed.

Hey [blog owner]... it's me margaret. OK, don't know why I wrote that, but perhaps we could blame it on insanity. But LindyLou, why on earth would you be insane when your war hero husband is back from combat bruised, but mending, your little family is back together, and life is just a soothing warm muffin served on a pretty plate? Well, all is not what is seems. I may have washed and dried that pretty plate, but a filthy whore had sex in the muffin batter and I still ate it unknowingly. You see, let me tell ya a little story. The story of my marriage. We touched on this briefly and vaguely back in August, but of course I didn't share the sordid, horrible details. Hell, you would have been unconsious from all the damn bones falling out of the closet and pummelling your skull. Here we go: 2006. I'm pregnant, husband cheats on me with four women, two are co-workers, one is in classes with him, one is just the wife of a friend in which a threesome took place - classy! So ... flash forward to july 25, 2007. i'm cooking dinner, SallySue is a baby. my war hero is away, once again, in [redneck state] on some national guard training thing for six weeks. the phone rings. weird number. i answer it. weird man asks me if my husband is Douchenozzle McGee. yes, who is this and why. Bam ... starts telling me his wife and my husband had sex. had an affair. what? you've got to be kidding me. my husband is gentle and nerdy and would never do that. give me your email address. ok, here. check email. wow. tons of forwarded email. lots of stuff. ok, stay calm. call best friend. start to think. try, on a whim, to log into husband's email. guess password correctly and get in! find more women ... anonymous requests for sex, etc. find a myspace page with another woman - tons of picures of this woman with my husband. call family. cry a lot. still don't confront husband. dig, dig, dig, print. find out lots of info. call lawyer. find out a guy can screw 10,000 women and it doesn't mean a damn thing. law is simple - 20 percent for child support. split assets in half. if you can be amicable and share a lawyer you'll save money. confront husband. crying. begging. he comes home from trip. more crying, begging. immediately start couples therapy. husband tells me everything. every question i ask, he answers. tons of therapy. tons. out of network. two abortions from the myspace hooker. she was pregnant when i was! somehow, after lots of therapy, i learn to trust again. i think everything's gonna be ok. things seem good.

[Side note: he was wounded in mid-December, made it back to the US on Christmas Eve. Pictures on facebook of him with daughter and Santa Claus. So touching. Heartwarming. A Christmas Motherfucking Miracle]. 

flash forward to tues, jan. 5. check email before bed. see a name in the "so and so sent you a message on facebook". 12 messages in bold. THAT NAME. The name of the myspace abortion hooker who had posted zillions of pics of herself and my husband. she's emailing me to say it never ended. almost four years. tons and tons and tons of proof. photos. im logs. forwarded emails. no doubt whatsoever. so here i am. confronted him already. he begs for another chance (are you kidding me?). gonna get divorced. not sure why i'm telling you all this. i guess i just need to explain why my world as i know it has been obliterated. for some reason i feel you'll understand.

I'm not sure people are biologically built for the hypermonogamy of American marriages. Don't get me wrong, I never cheated on my ex, and she never actually cheated on me, even though she was looking for a while. But I can't excuse this guy. I just can't. Shit happens, proximity breeds desire, marriages are work. I can give a certain amount of leeway, and probably every person in a marriage should get a get out of jail card. Kiss a coworker after a late night meeting. Random hookup with a fellow traveler while on a business trip. Get it on with the neighbor's wife when both marriages are in a rut. Ok, not ideal but small scale. But this...this is beyond justification.

I can't believe I wasted emotional energy on this dick wishing him well when I heard he was wounded, getting a little misty seeing pictures of him reunited with his young daughter. I even felt like I gained some life perspective from his experience overseas. Well hell, MY problems aren't so bad - he just got wounded in the war!

Now I'm fucking up my karma wishing him ill. Dude should have taken shrapnel in the genitals.